It seems that the more I come to learn about myself, the less I understand about everyone else. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point within the last year, I started to notice things about the lot of us humans that I was apparently quite blind to before. It leaves me with a list of questions that I spend a good deal of time mulling over while my body does other, more relevant actions.
One area that has me stumped is how and why we "help" one another. I was raised a version of Catholic, and the teachings I heard were pretty heavy on the martyrdom tip. In that camp, to give is to sacrifice, quite literally, as did the lord and savior on the cross. To this living day, I'm fuzzy on how one man's death did anything for the rest of us, as we've obviously just gone on to sin like mad, but whatever. I trust that there's a bigger answer that I never heard. What I did hear sounded intense and outside of a relatable reality, and there it stays. But, in 2011, I see people nailing themselves to the proverbial cross and expecting the same praise for it, all the time. Here's the problem there: no one pulling that stunt today is wiping clean the slate of a zillion others' sins, dude, least of all mine. Left and right, in my little life alone, I am witness to "acts of assistance" that no one asked for, and that no one knows how to respond to. Naturally, anger ensues on said amature martyr's part, and that's how messes are made. From this, I take away the simple lesson that I probably don't need to be anyone else's hero. Particularly when I'm not asked. Nor should anyone swing in on Tarzan's rope and try to be mine. In the struggle comes the strength, at least, it does for me.
Let me be clear: we all need the aid of another from time to time. I just think it's best to wait to ask... And to be asked.
That said, the other, even more abstract variety are the people who actually will not help you unless you seem as though you don't need it. I find this breed to be not unlike that which is only attracted to an unavailable person in a romantic capacity. This is neither mystifying nor admirable to me. I recently had cause to peek into the dark window of an associate's mind over burnt veggie burgers and decent fries. He happens to have a fat hand on the aging pulse of The Old Music Industry, and I find his outlook to be both informative and entertaining. When asked what it is, exactly, that record labels are looking for in an artist these days, he responded with, "Labels only want to work with artists who seem like they don't need a label". This sounded both gross and true to me, which ramped up the level of grossness a notch or two. How terrible that having your own footing is the only thing attracts another to, what, rush over and knock you over? Because that is often what happens, not only there in our handy musical metaphor, but also in life. God forbid you actually know what it is you're trying do and how to go about doing it.
It seems to me that both of the aforementioned tendencies stem from a self-serving place. Let's face it, ain't too many true Mother Teresa's cruising around in this life, just giving without receiving. Most people who so desperately want to give (whether you want/need what it is they're giving or not) are getting something from it, or hoping to. Rare are the truly selfless among us mortals. I will totally admit to having given in both tangible and intangible ways and feeling hurt when whatever I wanted wasn't returned. Most people give in search of reciprocity, gratitude, or in truly dark cases: your soul. I've been on the receiving end of all of those expectations, and they're pretty stressful to face, in their respectively varying degrees. While I have several ninja skills up my sleeve, mind-reading is not among them. When acts of kindness and/or generosity are bestowed upon me, of course I'm grateful. Am I interested in re-paying the debt for the rest of my life? Having a baby so I can hand it over? Extracting my soul from my frame and bottling it for you to either drink or put on a shelf for a rainy day? Being your Best Friend Forever? Not really. I'm interested in sending you a 'thank you' card with sparkly stickers and perhaps a gift certificate, because I'm operating under the assumption that you're both sane and aware that you've chosen to do something for me. Sadly, these two things are not always true.
So, fellow men and women, what's in it for us? What is that magical motivation behind our extended hands? What do we hope to gain? I ask this to myself as well, as I have all sorts of opportunities to practice mindful or manipulative behaviors, depending on which I choose on a given day. I have found that the best that I can do is to try to give from a place of honesty. What that has meant for me, is actually giving a lot less than I used to. When I was less self-aware, I gave more than I had, and then starved for it (damn that Catholic guilt). Then, as a backlash to that, I gave almost nothing for a while. Now, I try to just do what I can. I can't make quilts for your babies anymore, nor send two-hundred Christmas cards per year. These days, I can try to love you for who you are, and on rare occasion make you banana bread. And that's on a really good day.
I also do a lot of protecting my soul from prospective owners, and have done so from a very young age. I was raised in the Soul Trade, and know all too well how easily one can lose the title to their own essence. I nearly lost mine during a particular British Invasion a few years back, but I'm all in tact today. I even still have my own shadow.
The Give and Take is a weird chapter of the bigger Human Condition, and I'm reading every page. It's fascinating material.
To borrow a sign-off handle from my pal Otis,
"Soulfully", buick audra
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